About a million years ago, back when Squeez-Its were considered a nutritious fortified-fruit-juice-like beverages and scrunchies were an acceptable form of headwear, I met a girl who would go on to be one of my biggest sources of inspiration throughout … Continue reading
[source] BALANCE: noun An even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady. (stability of one’s mind or feelings.) A condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. verb Keep or put … Continue reading
[source] In the past couple of days, I’ve had to come up head-to-head with many of my old beliefs about fitness and training, and reassess where I stand when it comes to exercise. As a person with an exercise addiction, … Continue reading
[SOURCE] Hard to believe it’s been three years since I made the difficult decision to leave grad school and give up theatre as my career. It was a compromise I made in order to find and maintain my health and … Continue reading
The newest interview on Finding Our Hunger is out, and it’s coming at you all the way from Taipei, China! (And I thought the trip to Austin, Texas was long!) Ito and I interviewed Nat Boda, who picked up his … Continue reading
Well, here we are on the brink of 2013.
I thought about making resolutions, but I realized that I just…shouldn’t. Why? Because making resolutions is dangerous; I am too goal-driven.
I know–being goal-driven sounds like a good problem to have, at least displayed prominently on my LinkedIn profile; however, goals and resolutions can be negative when placed into the hands of a self-flagellating perfectionist.
Such as myself.
If you go back through my blog, you’ll see many of my relapses with ED and exercise addiction coinciding with “challenges.” 30-Day Bikram challenge, Fruit Stand Wellness (running) challenge, Muscle and Fitness Hers Transformation challenge…etc.
And a resolution, in many ways, is another challenge. It’s another arbitrary start-and-end point with parameters that define “messing up.” It’s an opportunity to punish myself for not achieving, a chance to let ED and associated thinking creep in when I don’t–or can’t–live up to the goals and time frames I’ve set for myself.
So this year, I’m not making resolutions. Instead, I have just one goal:
I will continue to find ways to stay in touch with, learn about, and accept my hunger, and I will help others find their hunger when I can.
That’s it. That’s all I want out of 2013.
2012 has been an amazing year. It’s been one of struggle and pain, to be sure–but I am grateful for every second of it. I have emerged a much stronger, healthier person. I am not perfect and I am not healed, but I’m learning to be okay with good enough and coping with the wounds that haven’t closed and the scars that haven’t faded.
Even better, I’ve figured out how to turn one of my passions into a viable career. I’ve gotten in touch with my diet and exercise, and I’m healthier–mentally and physically for it. I’ve allowed people into my life–incredible people all over the world, old friends and new–who have enriched the last few months, and I know will continue to enrich the year to come.
Thank you all for following me on this crazy journey for the last five months. I’m looking forward to all of the wonderful things the future has in store for us next year.
Stay hungry & have a happy new year,
P.S. I read a great post on Mother Fitness about why we shouldn’t make resolutions. I thought it was worth sharing: Stop Setting Goals
P.P.P.S. I love that WordPress has put together such a beautiful “year in review” feature. Check out the amazing things that have been happening on the Skinny Genes blog since July!
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 31,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 7 Film Festivals
I wrote last time about how limiting calories can change the chemicals in your brain–how my dopamine highs from under-consuming calories and my endorphin highs from over-exercising had become inescapable addictions. But there is more to the story than the upset of just a couple of brain chemicals:
We hear a lot these days about insulin, especially in reference to the diabestiy epidemic. [Brief science lesson: Insulin is a regulatory hormone that is secreted by the pancreas in response to the presence of sugar in the blood. Our bodies were only meant to have about 1 tsp of circulating blood sugar, so when you eat foods that contain (or are converted to) a lot of glucose, the body responds with insulin, which shuttles that glucose out of the blood and into your muscles to be burned or liver to be converted to glycogen and stored.]
But there’s another hormone that people are only just starting to talk about (because it’s only recently that science has begun to understand it…): Leptin.
Fat cells, believe it or not are part of the endocrine system (the system related to the release and regulation of hormones). Your fat cells tell your brain when you’re starving and need to eat or that you’re full and good to go by releasing the hormone called “leptin.” When your fat stores are high, your fat cells are full of leptin, which transmits the “we’re full, don’t send supplies” signal to the brain. When your fat stores are low, however, there’s a lot less leptin to go around, and your brain gets the message that you need to eat.*
Leptin is also responsible for stimulating the production of endorphins, the exercise-high neurotransmitter.
Now, there’s a lot of chatter in the science/nutrition world about leptin disregulation as a result of obesity, but what about leptin disregulation in anorectics and eating disordered people? (For a short, really informative look at how leptin disregulation and insulin resistance can influence/be influenced by obesity, check out this awesome video by Sean Croxton: Leptin: Fat-Loss for Smart People)
When you’re eating disordered, an overly restricted eat-clean devotee, or somehow reaching low levels of body fat, your leptin levels go way down. Your brain gets the message that you’re starving and need to build up your body fat levels again, so it tells your body to start craving food. The cravings raise your dopamine levels, making extended marathons of Man vs. Food seem like a good idea. Of course, the restriction is what feeds the dopamine high, so you keep restricting and craving.
Now, those of us who couple the restriction with exercise are in an even more dangerous boat, addiction-wise. Why? Well, as I mentioned earlier, leptin is partially responsible for your brain’s release of endorphins. If your leptin levels are low, your endorphins become low as a result. What raises endorphins? Exercise.
So it’s very possible that your exercise regime becomes necessary to maintaining your mental health. And, as with most addictions, you can easily build up a tolerance. Now you need more exercise to get the same high.
I know this to be true because I’ve lived it. Because I used to read the transformation stories on the Oxygen and Eat Clean websites, because I still follow some of the professional fitness models on Twitter. The stories are all the same: I was overweight (or thought I was) and decided I needed a change. So I started by cutting out processed foods. I felt so good that I went for a run. Then I found (insert clean-eating protocol here) and started lifting weights. I looked and felt so good that I got a personal trainer. In a few months, people in my gym suggested I compete. And so: the diet became a strict regimen of extra-lean meats and “complex carbs” like oatmeal and brown rice. And so: the exercise became fasted cardio in the morning and weights in the afternoon. And so: the complex carbs were “too much food” except around training times. And so: the exercise became necessary to not having a nervous breakdown today and I pushed myself so hard I cried but it was worth it because I’m still in shape. And so: the food became all I thought about and egg-whites-with-stevia are delicious, you just don’t understand because you’re not healthy and devoted like me. And so: exercise became the only thing I cared about, not that you’d understand because you’re busy living your fat lifestyle while I’m flying high on thinness and muscle.
It scares me that this is even a possible thought process, but there it is. (And you can find some version of it on every thinspiration Pinterest board or on some of the fitness pros’ Twitter feeds if you don’t believe me.)
I’m not saying that this will happen to everyone who tries to get healthy, nor am I against cleaning up your diet and starting to exercise–in fact, I’m all for it! But for those of us who may already suffer from neurotransmitter imbalances, trading one addiction for another–cookies and cake for quinoa and kale; “skinny is the new healthy” for “strong is the new skinny”–becomes a real and imminent threat.
And if you’ve ever had these thoughts, it’s okay: it’s not your fault. There are processes in your body and brain that you and I can’t see or hear or feel, processes that happen in the background, processes that can mean the difference between starvation and health, addiction and freedom. And once your body/brain chemistry is affected, it’s hard to see past the immediate need for the next hit.
It’s especially hard when the messages sent out by science and society only serve to encourage these addictions.
*Leptin isn’t the only hormone involved in hunger–there are other hormones/peptides like ghrelin and PYY that are secreted by the lining of your stomach/pancreas to mediate some of those hunger responses…But we won’t get into that today!) For more, check out Wellness Mama’s great explanation here.